Hi Sunyung, this is my paragraph.One important event in my life.I think that is important to have a hobby and to do exercise and better if it is outdoors. 2 years ago I began to take part in races, mostly 10K races. In the first races I ended with several pain in the foots, sometimes with some ampoule. I think that these are like battle wounds, but after learn how to run now I have fewer wounds after a race. In my first race I was very excited, this was a gorgeous experience. There is a lot of people taking part in this and I remember that the atmosphere felt wonderful. Now I have participated in more than eight races and became addict to these events. To sum up, maybe in the near future I can take part in some more long races, maybe I can win a marathon, like an Ethiopian. John
Hi John, thank you for posting your paragraph! It looks great!I have several comments for you. First, your opening sentence (the first sentence) sets the tone nicely. However, this sentence sounds a bit weak as the topic sentence. English writing is direct; thus, you need to make your topic sentence very clear and straightforward. For example, your topic sentence can be "One important event in my life is to take part in outdoor running races."Also, your concluding sentence does not seem to summarize your paragraph clearly. The topic sentence and the concluding sentence should focus on the same idea.Last, but not least, why don't you add complex sentences? Your sentences are mostly simple and compound sentences. There are some grammatical errors, but grammar is always the last thing to check when it comes to academic writing. I hope it helps and please let me know if you have any questions!
Hi Sunyung, thanks for the feedback!
No problem, John! Tomorrow you can revise your paragraph or I can give you a new topic.
Hi, I am Jairo Humberto Lopez, I am trying to write my short writing and post it
Hello to everyone! This is my "little" paragraph. Great event in my professional lifeBeing hired by National University of Colombia changed my professional career perspective. Since I studied Civil and Commercial Contracts in my degree in 2000, I would like to be professor of this subject. The knowledge my professor Jose Alejandro Bonivento Fernandez shared inspired me to become a teacher. Two years after my dream started to come true because I was selected as assistant of this professor. In my mid 20’s, Financial Superintendence of Colombia gave me the opportunity to be part of the bank supervisor system as a lawyer, as well as I could learn about stock market. I had a successful career that allowed me to become in the best employee at the professional level in 2008. When I was 30, the Financial Superintendence of Colombia offered me an executive position and gave me one month to take the decision. At the same time, I applied to a position in National University of Colombia to be associate professor and I got the first place in the process. I needed to select one of the two ways for my life: (1) being CEO of Financial Superintendence of Colombia or (2) being professor in my own law school. Finally, I took the plunge to be a professor considering my happiness and my tendency to share lightweight knowledge with my students. To summarize, being a professor for me was a decision that I took when I had an excellent opportunity to be recognized lawyer because I want to have a positive influence in my student’s life.
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Wow, this is a very exciting story! I can see how successful you have been in your career and your decision-making. Your topic and concluding sentences are strong. I like how you organized your essay. We talked about the expression, "as well as." When you use this expression, a noun or a noun phrase should be followed. So please see the error correction below.... the opportunity to be part of the bank supervisor system as a lawyer, as well as I could learn .... Change this part to - 1) ..... as a lawyer so that I could learn about ... or 2) ... as a lawyer and to learn about ...You did an excellent job!
The early lost of a relative The impact of a early lost of a significant person is no predictable and the consequences and affective affectation can be hard to identify. When I was young, I was 14 y.o., my father dies after a long illness and that for me was a very critical moment. This fact changed my way of thinking and my life perspective because I felt a sensation of be alone early in my life. Actually, it changed all my future actions and I got my life seriously in front of perspective of death and lost. This early lost can generate hard management of affective relationship with other people because the possibility of lost is always present. When those moments are analyzed deeply, it is possible to understand all lost time, all the mistakes I made, all wasted relationship which I could profit more intensively and felt me more satisfied with my life. Now, in my last years of my life, I remembered them so I called them to gave them my apologizes. For some of them, it is too late because I was not there in some of their more important moments and time do not come back. Life is lived one time only and persons do not have many opportunities of correct the mistakes, therefore one must accept and try to correct the mistakes and go on, life continues. When I understood how to live the life, I think, is already late to live and moment of to say bye is more near a each moment. Concluding, when a person experience a early lost of this importance, this fact can determine all her behavior throughout the life and the person can built an interior feeling wall that do not permit her the construction of healthy relationships with others. It could be recommended to take attention when the symptoms become out (relationship with others experience difficulties, depression, in the others) is recommended to search some type of professional help.
Jairo, this is a sad, but very insightful story. I am sorry to hear about your early loss. Anyway, it is good to see that you have the ability to write a multiple-paragraph essay. One thing to remember is to indent in the first line of each paragraph. Also, the title should be in the center.The development of ideas is very good. I like how you organized your essay. However, there are some grammatical errors. Especially, there are some punctuation errors (e.g. commas), which leads to unnecessarily lengthy sentences. Since this seems to be a common problem, I will address it in class. Besides, the subject is missing in some cases. Please remember that English sentences need the subject and the verb.Wonderful job!
An important event that changed my life.One event that changed my life was traveling abroad to Argentina and Germany. In my country we have a very diverse and strong cultural identity. We talk with different accents, eat various foods and express with several body gestures. Each Colombian region is like a world by itself. This situation is good as cultural immaterial patrimony, but it certainly doesn’t allow you to open your mind so much because you’re a little bit limited by the customs of your own region. While I’m traveling, I discovered a lot of situations that were uncommon in the region where I was born. For example, In Argentina they are so passionate about everything. Politics is a topic that would excite any Argentinian to the point of raising their voice to levels that could be considered rude in other countries. They also like to discuss about sports, especially football, and they know all about it, so be sure to be prepared before start to argue about that. In Argentina you can also find something that I would like to call “food culture”. They enjoy their eating time so much. You can find, even for pizza, a restaurant with well-prepared tables and good service. Their meals are usually served with wine and are delicious. If you have lunch or dinner with an Argentinian you have to take your time to do it, to enjoy it, there is no rush. On the other hand, in Germany the food is very different. It is not as good as in Argentina. For me, the living style of German people was surprising. They start to work very early in the morning and finish after eight hours, no extra hours. Therefore, I think they enjoy family life so much. You can see entire families in the parks after five pm. They have a strong middle class, and you perceive in every town that the richness of the country is well distributed. According to my experience, they respect other person’s space and life and they are so strict about things like time and the way things must be, e.g. they are not flexible at all. To sum up, both trips showed me that there are lots of things I don’t experience yet, so there are many things to see and so little time to do them.
Juan, this is a well-written paragraph. I really enjoyed reading it. I like your topic and concluding sentences since they sound strong. I have some comments for you. One thing you might want to consider is the use of verb tenses. I see why you switch back and forth between the past and the present tenses. However, it is good to be consistent in terms of using verb tenses. Also, there are some punctuation errors, which leads you to make long sentences. Academic writing focuses on brevity and conciseness. Thus, shorter sentences are better and more clear in many cases. It is also helpful to not use many compound sentences in writing since they are likely to be lengthy. There are some grammar errors, but they do not interfere with my understanding.Excellent job!